Sunday, March 32nd: Homeland Security Reigns In Rampant Democracy & Free Enterprise at Farmers Markets! Remember to Bring ID!


Fire fighters stand by for trouble at Ballard Farmers Market! Photo copyright 2009 by Zachary D. Lyons.

Today’s forecast: sunny and 75 degrees, with a likelihood of tyranny! Yup, since the United States Department of Agriculture and Food & Drug Administration were both made part of the Department of Homeland Security, and U.S. Commerce Secretary (and former Washington governor) Gary Locke was exiled to China, government authorities have been cracking down on the rampant acts of free enterprise and democracy occurring at farmers markets like your Ballard Farmers Market across the country. And the over-use of the words “local”, “fresh” and “nutritious” have been reigned in dramatically.

Bananas on tree. (WikiCommons.)

In response to government pressure and public demand, your Ballard Farmers Market has worked diligently with its farmers to fill voids in the products available at the Market. To the end, Alm Hill Gardens has developed a cold-weather hardy variety of bananas is it growing in its greenhouses just south of the Canadian border in Whatcom County. Their first harvest of these marvels of modern science and good old-fashioned American ingenuity can be found today on their tables!

Scene from 1978's Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

Growing Things Farm has figured out how to produce tomatoes in winter, and they offer them to you today! No more whining about having to go through the cold, dark, wet months with no tomatoes. These killer tomatoes will leave you screaming… not for more, but for your life! Apparently, they didn’t take kindly to being grown in such a miserably cold, wet winter, and now they are really, really mad. Stop by the Market to get some… before they come for you instead!

Camel Meat, Makhir Coast Ltd, UK.

Having mastered the husbandry of goats, pigs, sheep, cattle, chickens, ducks, turkeys and the odd goose, George Page and his crew at Sea Breeze Farm have truly raised the bar this week with the introduction of camel meat! Long the prized offering of street vendors in souks across the Middle East, now you, too, can enjoy this desert delicacy right here in Ballard! Slow cook these ribs (above) after a long marinade in aromatic spices and citrus and serve with pita, tzatziki, and a nice side of hummus for a delicious change of pace.

Pineapples. (WikiCommons)

Phocas Farms is known for its saffron and succulents, and now they bring their latest exotic offering from the hills of Port Angeles: pineapples! One day, Jim thought to himself, “Some of these succulents sure look like little pineapple plants. I bet I could grow them, too!” And grow them he did. They are big, juicy and sweet. Just imagine the how you will amaze your foodie friends when you break out the tropical cocktails made with local pineapples. Boo-yah!

This does not exist.

Hey, we’ve got fun for the kids today at your Ballard Farmers Market, too! Our new sponsor, Monsanto, has generously provided us with a bouncy house for the day. Stop by and take a break while the kids play. And hey, Monsanto representatives will be handing out free samples of RoundUp and Bovine Growth Hormone.

April Fools! Everything above in this post is false, false, false. It’s been six years since April 1st has fallen on a Sunday, and we just had to have some fun! But hey, there is plenty of local deliciousness waiting for you today at your Ballard Farmers Market. Just check What’s Fresh Now! for a more complete accounting of what is in season right now. Everything in there is true. We promise!

Tags: , , , , ,

2 Responses to “Sunday, March 32nd: Homeland Security Reigns In Rampant Democracy & Free Enterprise at Farmers Markets! Remember to Bring ID!”

  1. Zachary D. Lyons Says:


    The Market only ever closes when Christmas and New Year’s Day fall on Sunday — every 5 or 6 years. It does not close for any other holidays.

  2. Cole Says:

    Is the Market going to be open on Easter Sunday?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: